As a self confessed ‘recovering perfectionist’, I am often incredibly hard on myself. As a child, I misinterpreted my parents’ healthy encouragement to ‘try your best’ as ‘do everything perfectly, and if it’s not perfect it’s not good enough’ (my words not theirs…)

It’s still a work in progress as I learn to navigate what calls for perfection and when ‘good enough’ really is good enough (one former manager’s mantra when it came to discussing my work). Because if you’re constantly firing on all cylinders and berating yourself when you ‘fail’ to meet (only your own) lofty standards then sooner or later you’re going to burn out. 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do a good, even great, job. My drive for quality and attention to detail is an asset when I design and deliver learning solutions for my clients. It’s just important toremember to balance out those sticks with some carrots (and even the odd bar of chocolate).

I first saw American Psychologist Kristin Neff talk about her research on the impact of practising Self Compassion in London in 2016 and later read her book of the same name. Put simply, self-compassion is about learning to treat yourself as you would a good friend, something I often refer to with clients and colleagues as ‘the friend filter’. So the next time your ‘inner critic’ starts taking over, try to replace those harsh words with what your friend, partner, mother, father or anyone else who cares about you would say.

Working late for the fifth night in a row (even though a short break would do more good than harm)? What would your friend say?

Kicking yourself because there were a couple of typos in that report which was 99% EXCEPTIONAL? What would your friend say?

Telling yourself that you’re the worst friend/mother/father/daughter/son/sister/brother/friend EVER? What would your friend say?

Try it. It might just not be as ‘fluffy’ as you first think… (and Kristen Neff’s PhD and subsequent behavioural scientific evidence base would agree…)